written pieces:

I, Senator Schumer, Vote to let the big wooden horse into troy [mcsweeney’s - named a mcsweeney’s classic]

me joining ice has nothing to do with my tiny penis [went viral on medium!]

I VOW TO FIGHT AUTOCRACY WITH UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF FINGER WAGGING - by chuck schumer [Mcsweeney’s]

I, Mike Johnson, am too busy monitoring my son’s masturbation to follow the news

Top 12 Post-Birth Abortion Methods [Mcsweeney’s]

why Yes, This Human Internment Camp Did Used to Be a Topgolf [Mcsweeney’s]

My dad tried a shawshank redemption-like prison escape but drowned in the shit pipe

I, Elon Musk, Will Pay $47 to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me [mcsweeney’s]

We Didn’t Start The Fire 2075 [my sister’s favorite]

Math Problems from Oklahoma’s New Conservative Curriculum

ted cruz’ yearbook superlatives [robot butt]

Racehorses Keep Dying on our Track & We won’t rest till we Find the Colt Responsible for the Murders

God’s debut Column for NyTimes.com [points in case]

The Candidate Vlad the Impaler Ran Against Was a Little Too ‘Establishment’ for Me

7 Scorching Hot K-pop Acts You NEED to Check Out RN

Let’s Put the ‘Glee’ in Late-Stage Capitalism

Alt Lines for the Climactic Final Scene of The Rock

audio sketches:

World’s strongest Man: Cruelty to animals edition