INTERVIEWER: So, you’re an advertising Creative director and TV writer currently living in Chicago?

ME: Actually, I live in LA now.

INTERVIEWER: my research team is horrible. They also said you played college baseball. Is that right?

ME: No.

INTERVIEWER: dammit. All of my questions are about college baseball.

ME: ya know, for a made-up character I created as a half-assed website gimmick, you’re pretty bad at this.

INTERVIEWER: sorry. Why don’t you just tell me about your time in the Chattanooga Men’s Choir?

ME: The what?

INTERVIEWER: I’m dying here. can you just talk about yourself and I’ll occasionally chime in with things like “neat” or “interesting?”

ME: sure. I’ve got tons of experience creating breakthrough campaigns for big brands at Leo burnett chicago, ddb chicago & deutsch la. I love making work that hits/becomes part of pop culture.

INTERVIEWER: Neat.

ME: i’m also a screenwriter/humor writer. In fact, I’ve have written two of MCSweeney’s most-read pieces of 2025.

INTERVIEWER: interesting. Hey, have you worked with any celebrities while in advertising?

ME: quite a few actually. Lebron. Peyton manning. James earl jones…

INTERVIEWER: what about Timothy Omundson?

ME: who?

INTERVIEWER: he was the fourth lead on the USA network show ‘Psych’. He’s outstanding.

ME: ok.

INTERVIEWER: You should cast him. I’d buy any product omundson was selling—Even if It was recalled because it was toxic.

ME: You’d die for omundson?

INTERVIEWER: Lord, give me that chance.

ME: ok, i think we’re done here.

INTERVIEWER: you can’t walk out on your own fictional interview.

ME: why not?

INTERVIEWER: ‘cause i’m walking out first.

(sound of two pairs of footsteps racing)